Author: D.J. PANDER (Page 1 of 2)

Results on Legislation Aiming to Legalize Shipping Booze via USPS, the “Road Beer”, and 64 oz Growlers

Congresswoman Jackie Speier submits bill to legalize USPS shipping of beer.  Again.  And again.

On July, 29, 2015, California Congresswoman Jackie Speier submitted a bill to make it legal for the USPS to ship alcohol including beer.  So what happened?  Well, the bill known as H.R. 3412 United States Postal Service Shipping Equity Act, died in Congress like its predecessor, H.R. 1718, an almost identical bill put forward by Speier that died in 2013.

Jackie Speier

But you can’t keep a good bill down.  The new iteration of the USPS Shipping Equity Act, now called H.R. 4024, was introduced to Congress on October 11, 2017, and Skopos Labs, an A.I.-powered research platform, gives this bill a reassuring 4% chance of being enacted.  So they’re saying there’s a chance…

Montana lawmaker seeks to bring back the ‘road beer’

In January of 2017, lawmakers mulled over a bill that would bring “road beers” back to Montana.  House Bill 206 was designed to lift the open alcohol container ban for passengers in a motor vehicle on Montana highways, though drivers would still be restricted.

So did it pass?

Sure enough, on April 28, 2017, the Montana legislature gave HB 206 a pass.  A hard pass.  It’s unclear whether Montana will ever catch up to other states that allow for passenger road beers such as Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Missouri, Virginia, and West Virginia, or even the freedom-rich state of Mississippi that allows a road beer not only for the passenger, but one for the driver too.
Road Beer

One man fighting the good fight: Florida bartender sues state of Florida over 64 oz growler ban.

Back in November of 2014, bar owner Guy Piasecki and his lawyer sued the state of Florida over a law that prohibited the sale of beer in containers larger than 32 ounces or smaller than a gallon.  In other words, it was legal to sell beer in 32-ounce and 128-ounce growlers, but not the common 64-ounce size.

Growler

A bar owner thought this law was stupid, but how would the state of Florida weigh in?

As of July 1st of 2015, it could be said that Guy fought the law, and Guy won.  Indeed, filling 64-ounce growlers with beer is now legal in Florida like it already was in every other state.


Hi, I’m D.J. Pander.  I like beer.  I also blog. Follow me on Myspace.

 

Beer Syndicate Previews Fake Brews from the News

It was only a matter of time before fake news penetrated the beer world.  And with that, here are previews of three fake brews from the news:

Black Out Brett
Mark your calendars because no matter what, one of the most controversial releases of the decade is set to hit the shelves from the critically-acclaimed Dog & Pony Show Brewing Co. out of Washington, D.C.  Sworn in at a staggering 19.82% ABV, Black Out Brett is an American strong dark ale fermented with 100% brettanomyces yeast, and especially brewed for those people who categorically and unequivocally like beer.  Regardless of your politically leanings, Black Out Brett is guaranteed to be a carefully calculated and orchestrated hit!

Black Out Brett

Banksy’s Going, going, gone… Gose

The inspiration for this limited-release brew was ripped straight from the headlines after the iconic painting Girl with Red Balloon from famed England-based graffiti artist “Banksy” self-destructed as it was fed through a shredder hidden inside the frame moments after being sold at auction for $1.4 million.  Not long after, the anonymous Banksy posted to Instagram “Going, going, gone…”, summing up the moment he literally and figuratively made art history.

Meanwhile, in a case of art imitating art, Banky’s Going, going, gone… Gose from the London-based Now You See It, Now You Don’t Brewing Co. not only captures that sour moment in a bottle with this acidic ale, but the bottle itself also actually self-destructs upon opening when a widget inside the bottle triggers the bottom of the bottle to open, causing the beer inside to fall out.

Banksy's Going, going, gone... Gose!

Shock Value IP-Ye!

Never known for resorting to shock value for attention, this brew pays homage to the rapper formerly known as Kanye West for doing the one thing Ye never does: resorting to shock value for attention.  A special one-time release from the Chicago-based brewery Optional Slavery, Shock Value IP-Ye! is ornately packaged in a 24-karat gold bottle, making it not only the world’s most expensive beer at $100,000 a pop, but also the world’s hoppiest brew weighing in at jaw dropping 1 billion IBUs thanks to a MAGA-dose of ultra-concentrated hop extract.  Shock Value IP-Ye! is so needlessly over the top that it’ll make even Tyler Swift scream “Good Yeezus!

Shock Value IP-Ye!

[Proceeds from this beer go to support Mr. West’s 2024 U.S. presidential bid featuring running mate Beyoncé.]

Most Expensive Beer in the World


Hi, I’m D.J. Pander.  I like beer.  I also blog. Follow me on Myspace.

[To the best of our knowledge, all of the proceeding beers are fictional parodies based on world events that may or may not have happened.]

The Brewer Who Quit Drinking Beer

I love beer.  I brew it.  I write about it.  And on occasion I have been known to enjoy a pint or two.

So why stop doing something I love?  I know what you’re thinking: because I have a drinking problem.

Well, I suppose if I’m being honest, there were a few times in the past where I admit I did have a drinking problem, but I can truthfully say that I’ve become more responsible since then, and today I always make sure that I have enough beer around so that I’ll never have a problem drinking again.

And just in case you were wondering, no, I’m not Catholic, so I’m not giving beer up for lint (I’ve already got plenty of that in my dryer).

I’m not quitting beer because I got fat (I’m cursed with the metabolism of a hummingbird), I didn’t just have a kid and suddenly get the urge to be Capt. Role Model, nor did I just recently drink too much only to swear off booze until the next time.  So why quit?

I guess for me, it’s a self-control thing because proper beer contains alcohol and alcohol can be addictive (allegedly), so testing the old willpower now and again by abstaining from beer and alcohol in general could be a good thing.  Or maybe it’s a terrible idea.

Only one way to find out!

Also, I’m only quitting for a month.  (I’m stupid, not crazy.)

Predictions

Aside from the obvious reduction in fun, here are a few predictions I’ll make about my month with no beer:

1. Unforgiveable financial damage to local breweries from me not buying their beer which in turn will hurt their families, babies, and their cute little puppies and kitties.
2. Less beer cans and bottles being recycled which will increase global warming and melt the ice caps, thus forcing polar bears to join ISIS.
3. Fewer hangovers.

The Plan

I sometimes get the feeling that my brain likes to think of drinking beer as a reward, so I’ll keep the drinking part, but just swap out the beer with another beverage I also enjoy, in this case tea, and hope my brain doesn’t catch on.

That’s right, the old Pavlovian Switcheroo.

Let’s just hope that my brain is stupid enough to fall for my sneaky little ruse because if it gets wise, there’s no telling what it might do…

A Month Without Beer

Day 1: “No drinks for the month starts today!  Cheers!” was the text I just sent my buddy who said he’d also attempt to go dry with me for the month.  I’m not sure if it’s important to mention this, but the first time my buddy and I met years ago, he told me that he had just quit drinking.

To his credit, I will say he is pretty experienced at quitting as he’s quit drinking about a dozen or more times since then.  Who better to have on my team than this seasoned pro, right?

The truth is, it does make it a little easier going cold turkey when you have somebody in your corner who’s going to tough it out with you too.

Just got a text back: my buddy is headed out to the pub for a pint.

I’ve gotta hand it to him, he quit quitting drinking on the same day.  That is some next-level quitting.  I told you he was a pro.

I, on the other hand, am not a quitter.  Well, except for quitting beer for the month.  And then quitting this whole dumb personal experiment at the end of the month.

Day 2: The day before yesterday was my “Fat Tuesday”, the day you’re supposed to indulge in a bit of gluttony that will hopefully sustain you for the next 40 days of trying to be good before you can start being bad again.

That’s the day I enjoyed the last beer I’d have for a month.  It was a tasty German Hefeweizen I brewed that was just coming into its prime.  I also had a Miller Low-Life with a slice of lime, a bottle that was left over from a party from the month before.  (See, I’m not a beer snob because I discovered that almost any otherwise undrinkable beer can be choked down with a squeeze or three of lime!)

Yeah, so two measly beers.  Fat Tuesday… more like Dangerously Emaciated Tuesday.

Day 3: Two thoughts come to mind: (1) This ex-beer-iment is masochistic and dumb, and (2) I really miss that German Hefeweizen.

Time for a pint of beer tea.

Day 4. Here’s the problem with having beer as your only hobby: you have a lot of free time on your hands when you quit.  The question is what to do with all the free time.  I guess I didn’t think this whole thing through.

Day 5: “Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

~ Homer Simpson

Day 6: It just dawned on me that I’m doing a sort of reverse AA (Alcoholics Anonymous): I’m counting down the number of days until I’ll get to have another beer instead of the days I don’t.  I also just realized that the reverse of “AA” is still “AA”.  It also just dawned on me that the increasing application of facial recognition software courtesy of Facebook, Apple and Amazon, might just be helping to take the “anonymous” out of Alcoholics Anonymous (and everything else, for that matter).

Facebook: “The Cloud just tagged you in a photo walking into an AA meeting!”

You: Nervously awaiting likes & comments from friends, family and co-workers.  (Stole that idea from an episode of Black Mirror, Season 6: Booze Clues.)

Day 7: “Like a camel, I can go without a drink for seven days— and have on several horrible occasions.”

~ Herb Caen

Day 8: I think this spot is about deep enough in the article where I’ll have lost most readers so I can actually be honest about something.  I sort of stole this idea.  Well, not the idea of quitting something I like doing for some pre-determined amount of time.  That’s basically a form of fasting, and fasting’s been around for thousands of years (re: most major religions).

What I’m doing is a purely personal and secular form of self-denial.

The part that I stole was from an article I read a while ago… maybe years ago… that essentially did what I’m doing now: give up alcohol for a month and write about it.  (Did I forget to mention that was one of my other intentions?  To have a little semi-provocative writing fodder for when the idea mill hit a lull?)

But I like to give credit where credit’s due, so let me just provide a link to the article that sort of inspired me.  It should be easy to find… it’ll probably be the only article that pops up when I google “a month without drinking”.

Huh.  So it turns out that there was more than one article about quitting booze for a month.  Google returned more than 400 million search results.  Did not see that coming.

Apparently there’s even a recently invented “official month” for not drinking called “Dry January” that seems to have originated in the U.K. around 2013.  (Note to self: Visit the U.K. in January– the drink specials must be insane.)

Meanwhile, four pages deep into the search results and I gave up trying to find that one article that inspired me.  Thanks, Obama.

Day 9: With over 100 different beer styles and easily over a quarter million commercial examples of those styles, a major allure to beer is exploring all its variety and versatility.

Similarly, there’s a vast landscape of tea to discover.  With over 3,000 different varieties in the world, tea, in all of its various incarnations, should keep even the most ferocious curiosity busy for at least a month.

Here are just a few I recommend:

Detox Teas:

# 1: Dandy Live Detox: Unlike roasted dandelion root tea which has a watery coffee and Cracker Jack character, this dandelion tea is very approachable yet flavorful, slightly fruity, and well balanced. 5/5 stars. (Contains milk thistle seed, lemongrass leaf and a blend of other tasty stuff).

By the way, not all dandelion teas are the same and most contain additional ingredients other than just dandelion.  For example, EveryDay Detox Dandelion from Traditional Medicinals has a dominant black licorice anise character to it, which might be a good substitute for those trying to go a month without ouzo.

# 2: Detox Herbal Supplement with Green Tea: Although this tea from Lipton contains dandelion and nettle, it also contains grapefruit, which is by far the star of the show.  If you like grapefruit, this is the detox tea for you.  Not only that, but just one bag is powerful enough to make a pint of tea.

Other Highly Recommended Teas:

Tulsi Sweet Rose Tea: If you’ve ever seen a cat devour a rose bud, you’ll know why after you try this gentle sweet rose tea from Tulsi.

Yogi Mango Ginger and Lemon Ginger: Both of these fruity-ginger teas pack big flavor and nail the balance between the fruit and the ginger.  As a bonus, only one bag of either of these blends is strong enough to make a respectable pint of tea.  (Chai tea is another example of where you can easily get away with one bag per pint.)


Day 10:
  I started to notice that I’m not feeling as full from a pint of tea as I do from a pint of beer.  Hmmm… I need to google something. Be right back.  Okay, so I’m not sure if this has anything to do with it, but it turns out that google says a pint of beer has 208 calories, while a pint of tea has approximately 0-6 (and roughly 20 with a teaspoon of honey).

Analysis: Need to double quadruple-down on the tea.  Might also pick up some Whey Protein for some shakes while I’m at it.

Day 11: I forgot to mention that I was being a little strategic about when I decided to go dry.  No birthdays or any big beer events I could think are going on this month.  Well, aside from packaging a bunch of beer, writing about beer every day, and living in a house that’s swimming in what even the most liberal alcoholic would call “triggers”.

But here’s the point: if you want to give this awful month-long experiment a try yourself, you don’t have to be a trend-bot and get in line with all the Dry Januaryists.  Do whatever month or 30ish day period that works best for you and have “fun”.

Day 12: Today I realized that despite my bragging about being strategic with regards to when I chose to abstain from the drink, if I were more strategic, I would have chosen February to go dry (fewer days).

Day 13: “Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.”

~ George Bernard Shaw

Day 14: It’s been two weeks with no beer or alcohol in general.  I lost 10 pounds, went down a belt notch, and got thinner in the face.  Yep, you’ve probably heard that alcohol can puffy up your mug like a milder version of pregnant-face.  According to a British dermatologist, this happens because alcohol causes peripheral blood vessels to expand and widen (puff-face), which allows more blood to flow through our skin, also making the skin appear redder. 

Science aside, my working hypothesis is that if you lose 10 pounds through dieting, some of that weight is probably going to come off the face.

Day 15: Speaking of oft mentioned benefits of quitting booze, I was really looking forward to the mountains of money I’d be saving after going cold turkey.

In my case, it just so happens that I probably already spent the same if not more on alcohol this month in anticipation of next month when I’ll be celebrating my accomplishment of the month that I didn’t drink any alcohol.

Day 16: Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.”

~ Sammy Davis, Jr.

Day 17: “5 women reveal the pros and cons of not drinking alcohol for 30 days” is the tagline of the currently top-ranked article on google when I search “not drinking for a month”.

Here are some word-bites from that piece and some reactions:

“I spent more time with my daughter connecting, not battling.”

I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I would like to think that whether I was drinking or not, I would still have the courage to face her on the field of battle.

“I saved money and lost weight—but friends pushed me to sip.”

I didn’t save money, but I lost weight.  My friends didn’t push me to sip because my friends weren’t birthed out of the devil’s butthole.

“[Not drinking] helped my anxiety and depression, and I couldn’t stand being around drunk friends.”

Two things: (1) paradoxically, it sounds like alcohol is having the exact opposite effect on this person than it does for mostly everyone else (anxiety and depression-wise), and (2) this person might want to think about picking up some new friends at the friend store.

Day 18: “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Day 19: Instead of being known as the person who created “Dry January” that encourages people not to drink alcohol for a month, I’d rather be known as the one who invented “Job-Free July”, the month where employers give their staff a paid month off in July.  Employees could use that month to enjoy some drinks while really reflecting on the negative effects of working.  Bloggers could then write 400 million similar sounding articles about what it was like to give up working for a month.

Day 20: “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

~ Dean Martin

Day 21: Lurk around any of the alcohol-related subs (chat forums) on the popular website reddit, and eventually the topic of “do I drink too much” comes up.  Folks chime in with their own personal yardsticks for diagnosing alcoholism from a certain minimum number of drinks consumed in a week/month, to throwing up blood.

From a medical prospective, alcoholism (which is considered both a physical and mental illness) is said to exist when at least two of the following are true:

1)      a person drinks large amounts over a long time period,
2)      has difficulty cutting down,
3)      acquiring and drinking alcohol takes up a great deal of time,
4)      alcohol is strongly desired,
5)      usage results in not fulfilling responsibilities,|
6)      usage results in social problems,
7)      usage results in health problems,
8)      usage results in risky situations (drinking and drive, unsafe sex, etc.),
9)      withdrawal occurs when stopping,
10)   and alcohol tolerance has occurred with use.

It’s probably just a strange coincidence, but those ten lines were all part of my fraternity oath.  Go Kappa Epsilon Gamma (K.E.G.)!!!

Day 22: “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”

~ Dylan Thomas

Day 23: In case I needed more proof that I’m living in my own private Truman Show, a large study came out today indicating that “the safest level of drinking is none,” suggesting that any level of alcohol consumption increases a range of certain health risks including cancer.  Perfect timing yet again, The Matrix.

Despite that report, my best thinking/total guessing tells me that if by the time I get cancer from alcohol, there should be a cure.  Then again, if billionaire Steve Jobs couldn’t beat cancer… (Huh, I would’ve thought he had an app for that.  Oh well, at least we got the Apple Watch.)

Day 24:  “The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.”

~ William Butler Yeats

Day 25: There’s plenty of advice out there on how to prep for a month with no drinking including how to reduce or navigate social situations where others might be drinking and even having a few “white lies” at the ready like being on antibiotics or finishing up a project at work.

F that. I really wanted to test my steel, so not only did I not try to avoid situations where people would encourage me to drink, I went head-first into them.  I happily served drinks, packaged lots of beer, and gladly gave beer money to urban outdoors men/stationary non-workers.

Long story short, it wasn’t hard to deal with the supposed social pressure.  “I’ll have a tea” was the only phrase necessary.  (Alright, I didn’t go dry during my birth month, so I guess I wasn’t that hardcore.)

Day 26: You’ve probably heard of that age old secrete to losing weight: diet and exercise.  But there’s an important part that’s missing, namely that diet is more critical than exercise when it comes to weight loss, with some folks putting it at 75% diet and 25% exercise. 

In my case though, I lost 10 pounds in 14 days from not drinking beer, but the ratio was more like 110% diet and -10% exercise seeing as how I was probably lazier this month exercise-wise than usual.  Nevertheless, weight loss is typical for people who give up booze for a month, as was shown in this study where people lost on average 3 pounds.

Day 27: Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

~ Ambrose Bierce

Day 28: 28 days.  It’s not only the arbitrarily chosen number of days of sobriety used to break alcoholics of their dependency, it’s also the amount of time it takes for England to be totally overrun by a zombie apocalypse.

Day 29: “In vino veritas” is Latin for “In wine, truth”, and suggests that a person under the influence is more likely to speak their unfiltered thoughts.  Sure does make you suspicious of all the things sober people really think about you but refrain from saying. 

Day 30: “Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!”

~ Martin Luther

Day 31: So here we are.  The final day of “Dry August.”  I suppose there are some people who quit drinking for a month and had some sort of eye-opening, transformative, life-altering, grand revelation about the woes of alcohol.  That’s not me.

And with that, here’s the sugar-free truth of what a month of not drinking looks like:

Cons:

1. Did the same mundane domestic chores I typically do in a month, but with the added benefit of being able to focus more intensely on the boringness of those tasks.
2. Experienced reduced buy-in from people when attempting to blame stupid things I say while sober on alcohol.
3. Found humans more insufferable than usual.
4. Additional time gained from not going out as much only to be reallocated to staying in and watching mediocre content on Netflix.
5. Unlike some anecdotal accounts suggest, I didn’t really notice much of an improvement in the “quality” of my sleep. In fact, I was sleepier and found it more difficult to get out of bed.
6. I might have developed a tea addiction.

Pros:

1. I have to admit that swapping beer for tea really caused me to lose weight and fast. (Note to self: Need to copyright this idea and cash in quick.) In the past, I was under the impression that the reputed “beer belly” was a bit of a myth actually caused by the additional food people typically consume along with the beer. But I concede, beer seems to contribute pounds to the body.
2. Not that I had any doubt, but I proved to myself that I had the will power to go without beer or any alcohol for a month (and possibly indefinitely), but I see no compelling reason to punish myself any further.
3. No hangovers reported.
4. I enjoyed all the tea, and I’ll probably swap out tea for beer more often.
5. No breweries in my city filed for bankruptcy.
6. No polar bears joined ISIS (yet).
7. And sorry, not sorry, but a month without beer really made me appreciate beer more than almost any time in my life.

Last Words

Tomorrow shall be a glorious beer-filled day—a day that will shake the very foundations of the great beer hall of Valhalla.

Skål! (Viking for cheers.)


Hi, I’m D.J. Pander.  I like beer.  I also blog. Follow me on Myspace.

Top 15 Tips for Craft Brewery and Craft Beer Bar Success

Ever dreamed of quitting your day job to launch the newest, coolest craft beer bar or brewery in town?

Not so fast.

With craft beer bars and breweries hotter than the housing market of 2005, competition is getting stiff, which means not even the most polished business plan is enough to guarantee your success.

In these uncertain times, what you need is a silver bullet— No, not a Coors, smart guy, but a magic formula that will ensure financial victory.

Sure, some might tell you that there are no guarantees in business, but those people don’t know Russian hackers.  We do.  And what we’re about to wikileak to you are the secrets of success that other craft breweries and craft beer bars don’t want you to know.

Craft Beer Cash Cow

Using sophisticated spy tools similar to those employed by the CIA, NSA and FBI, our digital comrades scraped private data from the most successful craft breweries and taprooms in the U.S.  From there, we sifted through pages of emails, text messages, social media communications, phone transcripts, WhatsApp chat logs and business records.

After the data was scrubbed, a pattern of success emerged.

What you have before you now are the best business secrets compiled from the private records of the most successful craft breweries and beer bars in the U.S.  Follow this advice, and we just might be seeing you on the next cover of Rich Person Magazine

The Basics

1.  Food Trucks. Food trucks are vital to the survival of any taproom, probably more so than the quality of the beer on tap. If there are no food trucks available, seek out a food trunk (food sold from the trunk of a car).

2. All IPA Everything. While it’s true that people like variety and trends come and go, there is one thing that will never change: everyone only likes IPA forever. Therefore it’s best to assume that you will alienate everyone and go bankrupt instantly if you don’t either brew IPAs exclusively (or at least have an IPA as your flagship beer) or only have IPAs on your tap list. For taprooms that want to expand, consider setting up an IPA-only bottle shop.

To stay relevant, try mixing things up a bit by throwing an IPA tap takeover in your IPA-only taproom.

3. Pay-to-Play. With new craft breweries opening at a rate of 100 per day, it can be tough for a brewery to get its beer into a bar and even tougher for bars to decide which beer they should put on tap. But it doesn’t have to be that hard— not with pay-to-play!

Let’s explain this concept Mr. Subliminal-style: “Pay-to-Play” is a kind of win-win enhanced business technique [bribery] where a brewery or distributor provides money [$20 per keg to $2,000 per dedicated tap line per year], goods [new tap lines, expensive sports tickets, new TVs, coolers, etc.] or services [maintaining draft lines] to bars in order to build good relationships [get preferential draft placement ideally at the exclusion of other breweries and distributors]. (Legality may vary.)

4. Paid Swag-Vertising. People want to advertise for you for free, so it is critical that you charge them for that privilege. Make a buck and get your brand out there by selling logo-laden hoodies, t-shirts, trucker hats, fanny packs, giant permanent car decals, and DIY face, eyelid and tongue tattoos (talk about word of mouth— ZING)!

Speaking of passive-aggressive advertising techniques, consider offering a one-time 3% discount to people who legally change their name to the name of your brewery of beer bar, and then sue them later for trademark infringement.

Location & Design

1. Difficult-to-Find Industrial Location. This is more of a must for brewery taprooms than craft beer bars, but there is no denying the collateral benefit of your customers finally being able to get a growler filled and pick up a bulk order of printed circuit boards right in the same obscure industrial park!

2. Unfinished Building. Let’s face it: people love the look of raw building materials. So give your customers what they want and save a bunch of money in the process by moving into a half-finished or abandoned dilapidated building! There’s no better time to show off the natural beauty of your building’s exposed brick, cinder block, dry wall, rafters, insulation, plumbing, HVAC ducts, electrical wiring, concrete foundation or whatever other architectural treasures there are hiding behind the scenes!

Remember, it’s not “unfinished”, it’s rustic… or sustainable… or something.

3. DIY Wood & Metalwork-Motif. This one’s more of a brewhouse taproom requirement, but in every case the key is that you or a buddy (whoever has the better beard) build the furniture and bar out of urban-foraged wood or metal.

If you can’t find any scrap metal, discount wood or free-cycled cinder blocks for your re-purposing purposes, then beer-inspired furniture and fixtures are a must including grain-bag chairs, hop-stuffed pillows, over-pressurized tap handle bathroom sink faucets, beer bottle chandlers, beer can telephones and keg toilets.

Business Edge

1. Expensive Artisanal Snacks. Small $5 bags of gourmet popcorn, hand-crafted potato chips, trail mix, or food lumps made from spent grains are just a few examples of expensive artisanal snacks that will put you on the fast-track to success.

2. Crowler Machine. Beer from the can used to be bad because of its association with macro beer and cancer, but now it’s the best. A “Crowler Machine” will allow you to seal beer in a to-go can so that you can tap into the can craze before beer from the can is a bad thing again.

3. Irregular Business Hours. If it’s one thing people hate, it’s predictable business hours. Not only that, it’s a proven fact that people don’t drink beer on Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays, so definitely don’t be open on those days or any other days. But if you do choose to be unnecessarily open for business, remember that most people get their drinking done before 5 pm, which means last call should be no later than 4:45 pm. Also, keep in mind that the most effective business-owners only work a four-hour work week, which means if you’re open more than four hours a week, you’re doing something wrong.

Atmosphere

1. Dogs. It’s a fact that everyone loves dogs, and if they don’t, then they’re worse than Hitler because even Hitler liked dogs. Therefore, the more dogs in your taproom, the better. If no dogs are available, seriously consider investing in a dog simulator machine (it makes loud barking noises and is upgradeable to emit wet dog smell and blow animal hair around the taproom).

2. Hipster “Indie Folk” Behind the Bar. Nothing gives the appearance of anti-capitalist coolness to a for-profit business better than indie folk tending bar, so stock up while supplies last! (Don’t worry, indie employees will appreciate the irony… it’s what they live for.)

3. Games. Few if anyone have ever been seen actually playing these games in taprooms, but it is essential that at least one of the following be on premises at all times: Cards Against Humanity, Ticket to Ride, or Settlers of Catan. Also, if you have an outdoor area, don’t forget that zoning requires that you maintain an operational cornhole set.

Philosophy

1. Local Everything. Local is the new black. So whenever possible and regardless of quality, taprooms need to serve local beers, arrange for live local music, local puppet shows, and free local tax-prep help.

2. Beer Puns. The highest form of comedy has and always will be puns. So hop to it and tap into the wonderful world of beer-inspired puns when naming your beer or craft beer bar! We promise you won’t hear any booze from us!

С первым Апреля! [Happy Businessing!]

[DISCLAIMER: By no means do any of the tips in this article represent legal or business advice.  In fact, many of the tips in this post are completely stupid, satirical and written by an asshole who is trying to get fired to collect unemployment benefits.  We don’t know Russian hackers. We don’t recommend that anybody does anything illegal ever.  And we whole-heartedly apologize to any and everyone who is even slightly offended by anything written herein.  We will be sending ourselves to sensitivity training to try to understand what went wrong in our childhood that makes us totally not responsible for any of our behavior in life. Thank you.]


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Stone Brewing Co.: A Perfect Place to Ring in the New Year for Beer Lovers

Stone Brewing World Bistro and Garden Escondido (Stone Brewing Co.)

With New Year’s Eve quickly approaching, you may already have plans.  But if you left things to the last minute, and also happen to be a beer fan, Stone Brewing Co. might be just the place for you come December 31st, 11:59 pm.

More on that in a second.

To be clear, Stone’s brewing facility located in Escondido, California is much more than just a brewery.

It’s  a full-blown modern restaurant that offers eclectic cuisine utilizing locally grown, small-farm ingredients with special chef-selected dishes for New Year’s Eve in addition to the regular menu.  

Interior at Stone Brewing World Bistro and Garden Escondido (Stone Brewing Co.)

Reservations are recommended especially for New Year’s Eve at Stone Brewing Co., but even if you skip the food, there’s still a posh open-air patio and nature-inspired one-acre beer garden to enjoy.

And if your schedule allows for it, consider going for a brewery tour of what our associates at BeerAdvocate call the “All-time Top Brewery on Planet Earth”.  It’s only $3 and includes a souvenir tasting glass and four 4 oz samples of tasty Stone brews, including one Special Release beer.  You can sign up in advance, but walk-ins are welcome.

Tour hours:

Monday – Friday: 12, 2, 4, & 6 PM
Saturday & Sunday: 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 PM

Brewery at Stone Brewing World Bistro and Garden Escondido

So what’s so special about ringing in the New Year at Stone Brewing Co. aside from the food, atmosphere, and live music?

The beer, of course.

But not just any beer.  And not just Stone brews.

We’re talking rare beers and special releases beginning at 4:00 pm, with something new and incredible offered every two hours after that up until midnight when the final spectacular Stone-exclusive keg is tapped.

And unlike Stone’s New Year’s Eve celebration at their other location at Liberty Station in San Diego where tickets will run you upwards of $125 [as of 2016], there is no ticket or cover charge required at the Stone Brewing World Bistro and Gardens in Escondido. (1999 Citracado Parkway, Escondido, CA 92029)

Many of the night’s special releases are finished off before the evening’s out, but some make it to the next day in case you’re thirsty for more or miss the event altogether.

But just what wonderful and amazing beers await you?  Only one way to find out.

Although, if the 2015 draft list at Stone Brewing Co. is anything like 2014’s, you won’t be disappointed. 

And just in case you’re the curious type, below is what the 2014 lineup looked like:

Stone Brewing Co. New Year Beer List_2014

Almost forgot.  Even though you won’t see the ball drop at Stone at midnight, you will see something else drop.

Here’s a hint:

Keg Drop at Stone Brewing World Bistro and Garden Escondido (Stone Brewing Co.)

For more information about Stone’s New Year’s Eve in Escondido, check out Stone’s website.

Cheers and Happy New Year from the good fellas at BeerSyndicate!

* BeerSyndicate received no compensation from Stone Brewing Co. or any other party to produce this article.


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